Tell me honestly, do you know the meaning of all the words in the title? When I was conceptualizing this article, it took me a while to choose a witty and out of the box title that could spark an interest to my non-existent readers. Erudite from the Latin word “eruditus”, which means having or showing great knowledge or learning. The Age of Learning, hmm it doesn’t really cut it. Sounds like something from a textbook. You learned a new word today, good for you!".
I’m almost at the age where I’m almost beyond the number of calendar days (a favorite expression in my country). Here’s where the “adulting” expectations are expressed upon you so heavily that you question yourself why you don’t have constant shoulder aches (I do by the way, most probably signs of aging). My all-time favorites are as follows:
1. “Why don’t you have a boyfriend yet?”
2. “Don’t you think you have too high standards?”
3. “When will get you get married?”
4. “You should try online dating?”
5. “I have a friend who has a single nephew. Do you want me to hook you up?” Or something along the lines.
When a family member would ask me these questions, I try to give out witty responses, all the while thinking “Again? Haven’t you asked/told me this every time we meet? Don’t you realize how uncomfortable, bored, sad, annoyed, embarrassed and unsure I am of myself right now?”
"Why don't you have a boyfriend yet?"
My usual response: “ Oh, I haven’t met him yet” or “He isn’t born yet/He is still in his father’s *egg (this is funnier when spoken in my local dialect) or “ He will come, he’s just late” or when I’m just really tired of it all “Soon”.
In my mind: “This again?! I know I’m getting older and I should be rearing dozen little babies right now but what can I do about it? Give out fliers that say: HELP WANTED BOYFRIEND? Don’t you think I don’t feel pressured and worried that I’ll be alone for the rest of life? Do you realize how often I question myself if I’m good enough to be loved by someone in the opposite sex?”
Ever wonder why women are more pressured to marry earlier than men? While the men are told to wait until they are matured, able find stable jobs, had reached the peaks of their careers and had enough flirting with “girls”, we women on the other hand, are advised to marry when we hit our 20’s and when no rings appear on our finger by 30 we are considered a lost cost, an “OLD MAID” . Does it ever occur to you that we also have our own dreams? That at 20+ we barely fully enjoyed our freedom away from school and haven’t figured out who we are. We need to feel secure of ourselves, accomplish our goals and find success in our careers before even thinking of tying the knot.
I realize this while writing my new year’s resolution and was glad that I found a confirmation that I’m not alone on this (Best Age To Get Married). Although I don’t represent all women, there are those who find contentment in marrying early, but I’m not one of them. My goals this year was for self-development, especially in my career, start a personal business, convert our second bedroom into a mini office, buy a fudging bike! In short, I don’t think I’m ready yet. (Or maybe I’m just in denial-ah heck I don’t know?)
"Don't you think you have too high standards?"
My usual response: “Well if I don’t have one then I could just marry anybody. I don’t think my standards are unachievable by human specifications. I just want someone who has a stable job, caring, loyal and someone who has strong relationship with God. “
In my mind: “Then is it okay for me to drag just anybody off the streets? Is it okay for me to choose someone who can’t support our future family or have a stable job and who lets me do all the work? Is it okay for me to just marry someone that won’t make me happy just as long as I can finally change my last name? “
This is a double standard question: they tell you to marry now, but then won’t allow you to marry this type of “man” because of this and that. Then LET ME WAIT! I just haven’t found the right one and I don’t want you to find him for me.. Even though you rarely see me partying or going out it does not mean I’m a totally a monk and not meet new people. It’s just that, finding love has no strong pull for me right now. I’m still searching the true “ME”. Invest to become the best version of myself. I don’t want to share my half-baked self to anyone. They say love will complete you, but I strongly believe that you must be whole in order to be worthy to accept someone’s heart. Both of you must be whole, must be independent and secure of yourself because as humans, we have imperfections and how else will you support each other in hard times if you have to overcome too many insecurities?
In my community Christian community, I was taught that if I pray for a boyfriend then I must be ready for commitment and having a family of my own. Hmm, then maybe this is why until now no one’s knocking. (Love is an open door! I have idea why I thought of this Frozen song.)
" When will you get married?"
See response 1 and 2.
"You should try online dating?"
My usual response: “I’m not too desperate yet.”
In my mind: “I’m not too desperate yet.”
People, I’m not against this. Yes, I actually made one in Facebook because I want my mom to stop asking.
I’m an introvert and oftentimes meeting people, even virtually, is considered as a “chore”. It’s tiring to keep the conversation going, to suggest topics that are interesting, to always try to double check your words so not to offend anyone, to ask yourself constantly “Will he like me?” and how much should I share? When is enough? Will others think that I’ve hit rock bottom to even consider online dating? What will happen if someone who knows me ever find out? Will it change my reputation?
Ugh, so much questions and insecurities. Ever wonder why I have no boyfriend? Hehehe. (crying like a baby inside).
"I have a friend who has a single nephew. Do you want me to hook you up?"
My usual response: “Yeah, sure.” with an awkward smile, squinty eyes and a small nod.
In my mind: “Here we go again.”
I know you mean well and I’m not against it, but I know those are just empty words so why even bother saying this? We could have a more intellectual conversation like talking about the latest meme today.
When strangers ask me these questions, I would simply give them a withering smile and think “Why do you suddenly care for my relationship status?”. I assure you, if they could read my mind, they would be flabbergasted, but there just times that you want to blow off some steam. I know some might say “You’re just overreacting, you’re too sensitive, it was just a joke, they mean well, blah, blah, blah”, and often times I DO think I’m paper thin, over-dramatic, immature and insecure little - . Everyone has felt that way once in a while, but it doesn’t mean you can simply say stuff like that to me, or anyone over and over again without expecting us to feel belittled.
At times, I feel like I’m a hypocrite especially as I write these words. “Have I not done the same to other women the things I had been slandering in this article?”
Don’t get me wrong, I still dearly hold on to that teenage girl’s dream -a dashing man that would sweep off her feet, take her to a lavish castle, but fitted to suit more to the practical, and older woman I had become. (This sounds like I’m in my golden years!)
To end this semi-rant post, let me share a quote: “Every flower blooms in its own time” (Ken Petti). Some might need more sun or water; some likes to be replanted to a breezier place and maybe even you’ve been hoping to bloom a flowerless plant.
So, to all the single ladies, I know your pain and worries. DON’T feel pressured by the cultural demands or peer pressure. YOU ARE YOU. Take this time to discover yourself and battle your insecurities. And when that prince finally comes with his white steed, you’re not only wearing a crown but holding a sword too.
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